Bill Cosby was right. Parents do not want justice, they want peace and quiet. And nowadays parents need that more than ever. In my professional opinion, how well children sleep correlates directly to how much peace a parent experiences. Let me explain.

As a Pediatric Behavorial Sleep Medicine specialist, I hear over and over again from parents “How do I get my baby/toddler/child/teen to sleep?” Well, to get the heart of the issue, we must examine several core aspects that play into the entire bedtime drama thing. These all have to do with relationship.

First, examine your beliefs

To be quite frank, I think a lot of parents simply get off on the wrong foot. No one tells them differently. A new mom and dad are so excited about their little Dumpling that they understandably want to do EVERYTHING for this cutie. That includes “putting the child to sleep.” Parents start out with this common misconception that they actually have a huge role to play in their baby’s natural mechanism called sleep. In those first few days when the infant has been designed to sleep so easily, this appears a doable task for the parents. Dumpling gets diaper change, eats, burps and is rocked to sleep so quickly it seems the parent has magic skills. However as time passes, the newborn’s memory increases more every day and before parents realize it, this little Dumpling is now demanding (with very loud lungs, I might add) parental assistance to go to sleep. The precious little one remembers and begins to EXPECT the role the parents have set into place. Most parents at this point think, “I didn’t sign up for this job!” And the truth is—it never was YOUR job to PUT the baby to sleep.

That’s how we start off on the wrong foot. Parents BELIEVE that they carry the burden of ensuring that sleep comes to their Dumpling. Let me give you my two cents on one thing. Any time anyone attempts to control/manipulate/take charge of a biologically intrinsic process of another person, there is great likelihood of trouble down the road. When any one steps in where nature has designed the wherewithal within each of us to accomplish certain universal functions, then, watch out!

A few of these “universal God-given functions” include the ability to sleep, eat appropriate food choices, and calm oneself. These are all powers endued within almost every human at birth (except those with neurological issues). However if a parent steps in because s/he BELIEVES that s/he must help the child with this function, well, things get sticky. That BELIEF gets transferred.

For example, let’s say there are these parents who have anxiety that their little girl may possibly get fat. This fear turns into a BELIEF that they must monitor their daughter’s food intake on her behalf. Before you know it, these parents are telling that little girl when, what, and how to eat. If the their daughter complies, then she accepts the hidden message (more about hidden messages later) that she CANNOT do this herself—she does not have the appropriate self-control to trust her own God-given appetite. The parents’ fear expressed through BELIEF has now become the reality for the little girl. Sure enough, she ends up believing she cannot control herself when she eats. How can that look? An older colleague of mine frequently commented on the bowl of candy I keep in my office for clients. She would say, “Oh, if that bowl was in my office, I could not stop eating the candy.” A few years later with an extra 180 pounds on her frame, she decided to get a gastric bypass. The procedure required that for 2 weeks she eat only liquids which she did without any problem. Now where did she get the idea that she did not have self-control?

Eating, sleeping and even soothing one’s own spirit are all mechanisms designed to be controlled from within a human. Yes, even an infant.

Babies and sleep

OK, with that in mind, a bit about sleep. The body’s natural cause/catalyst for sleep is being awake. In Sleep Medicine we call this “sleep debt.” Please check out my blog post under EMOTIONALLY for more on that. The greater the sleep debt, the greater the desire/need for sleep. This is how humans are made.

There is one major consideration of sleep with regards to newborns. Neonates (brand new babies) require about 23 hours of sleep per day for almost the entire first month. That is a fact. Sleep needs begin to taper slowly from day one and that pace of change is most like a turtle. Slow.

So during these early days/weeks, a typical “loving” parent feels compelled to hold/rock Dumpling until s/he is asleep. Two problems are likely to develop. One, the BELIEF is formed in the impressionable parent’s mind that “I must help my little Dumpling go to sleep.” The second problem is that the little baby rocked or held will likely experience what we Sleep Medicine specialists call “minuscule awakenings.” These are tiny little awakenings that normally do not result with the eyes opening but the sleep stages are interrupted. In fact, one vital sleep stage called REM (rapid eye movement) is drastically impaired.

A good example of minuscule awakenings that many adults encounter is trying to sleep while in a moving vehicle such as a car or a plane. Even after sleeping 4 hours, there is frequently a feeling of exhaustion. Little changes in movement keep arousing the person even though they are not aware of waking. The same happens when Dumpling is held constantly. Little repeated interruptions—a parent moves a bit here and a bit there—prevent the baby from getting adequate sleep. Sleep debt climbs.

To compensate for the growing sleep debt, Dumpling’s body produces far more of the chemicals (there are about 18 of them) which keeps his or her precious brain awake in beta mode. Read my post found under NEUROLOGICALLY for the scoop on all those chemicals.

What is visible from the outside of this growing infant is an ever increasingly restless, busy child who fights continually against the towering sleep debt. In this scenario, if the parents do not stop interfering, the child will likely keep overworking beta waves to fight an avalanche of delta (sleep) waves. The aftermath can be an “attention deficient, hyperactive child.” (There is data showing that a pattern of inadequate sleep from infancy can create chronic poor sleep contributing to symptoms seen in ADD/ADHD).

To prevent this false BELIEF from starting—that is, that the parent is responsible to put the newborn to sleep—as well as preventing minuscule awakenings, a parent ought to allow the infant to fall asleep on his or her own. Yes, right from the start. In doing so, you will literally be nipping sleep problems in the bud. Maybe on the child’s birth day, all those excited family members can hold precious Dumpling nonstop. But then the parents need to step up to the plate and protect Dumpling’s natural ability to sleep by limiting holding times to just before the baby feeds. After tummy is full, back to bed for more of that needed sleep! To find all the benefits of sound sleep, take a peek at my post under PHYSICALLY.

OK, I hear all those parents gasping and crying out, “how can you be so cruel and suggest I let Dumpling fall asleep without my help?” What if Dumpling cries????

Well, my questions for you would be: How long are you ready to take on the responsibility for precious Dumpling to go to sleep? A year, two years, four years, ten years? Are you ready to accept the responsibility and consequences of your hidden message that you will be sending to Dumpling?

What do I mean?

All about hidden messages

With all communication, there is usually more than one message given. Usually we all are quite aware of the conscious messages but not always aware of the unconscious ones. Little children are great for their honesty in speaking out all unconscious messages. They don’t know yet how to be PC. One example that comes to mind is when a parent ties a preschooler’s shoes. The parent sees the laces undone and perhaps says “Come here, let mommie tie your shoes.” The child must receive two messages at least to allow the parent to tie the shoes. One message is—mommie wants to tie your shoes—and the other message is not as apparent—you cannot do this yourself. To allow the parent to tie the shoes, the child must accept both messages. But as a child grows there is no doubt that one day the child will speak out “I can tie my own shoes.” The child no longer will accept the unconscious or hidden message.

Of course, how we BELIEVE as parents determines our actions with our children. Kids look to us for OUR BELIEF. We cannot fake this. If I fear my 14 year old daughter will burn herself boiling water for her eggs, then I may hover around her in the kitchen while she works, probably giving her frequent glances. She may complain that I don’t trust her. Now I may say OUT LOUD, “Oh, no, honey, I know you can do that yourself.” But if I am hovering, my daughter will believe my ACTIONS, not my WORDS.

Of course, what makes me hover? My ANXIETY or FEAR that she will burn herself. But if I do not back off and calm my own anxiety, then I may unintentionally hinder my daughter’s ability to boil eggs (or excel at whatever the challenge may be).

Quiet your own anxiety yourself

Of course, soothing my anxiety within is best handled from within ME. I may be afraid I am going to “do it all wrong” as a parent (I may never say this out loud) and maybe I look for cues around me to quiet this fear (probably unconscious). Maybe my best friend gives me compliments or maybe I just pat myself on the back whenever my kids are so well behaved. “If there’s no crying, I’m a good parent,” I tell myself. However, the greater cue for a more stable and lasting peace comes from WITHIN ME. To do that requires two things: FIRST, that I am aware that I feel fearful/anxious/nervous about something and SECOND, that I seek to soothe and reassure myself. The one step everyone misses is the first—so few slow down enough to realize they are feeling sort of bad inside. That step is vital for a parent to stop the cycle of FEAR/ANXIETY from directing their parental choices.

Not long ago, one of my child clients (7 years old) whom I have been working with in regards to building self-soothing skills as well as distinguishing his fears, was going to do a paint project with me. I had a sizable structure that he was to paint but I had some concern (anxiety) that the paint I had in my office may be an inadequate supply for the task (tiny bottles, all about half filled). As he asked me “what is my challenge today?” I showed him the structure and the paint and he got very excited. However, because of my anxiety, I “helped” him by taking over the mixing of the colors for the desired tint. Understandably, I did this because I feared if I let him mix the colors he may use too much of one color or the other and then the supply would be gone. However my “help” sent him a hidden message. We had only spent about maybe 10 minutes into this and you know what he asked me? “Dr T, do you think I’m really ready for this challenge?” Stopped me cold. I immediately handed over all the paints and I diverted my attention away from him and began working once again on my Lego house. At first, I noticed he was very cautious/reluctant but then when I no longer interfered and let him make whatever “mistakes”, he got back into it again.

My point is that I had anxiety. Kids FEEL our anxiety ALWAYS. However, they put their own meanings to the anxiety. I had anxiety about this boy using too much paint and what he got was “she’s afraid I will mess up and not be able to do this.” Now if I tried to TALK to him about my fear that would have been USELESS. Instead, I calmed myself and “let go” of trying to make sure he did things the way I wanted him to do it. Did he run out of paint? YES!! But you know what the bigger result was??? He felt like he could paint well!!! He could do it!! He could be trusted!!

If you have FEAR (understandably, of course) that your baby might cry when put to bed to sleep, believe me, your Dumpling is getting a message from you. In fact your anxiety may likely cause little Dumpling to cry. Let me explain.

Kids are sort of like horses. Just like horses, kids are always looking to parents for cues on how to get a perspective on any situation. Even though horses are huge and you would think they would want to use their size and strength of legs (and kicks) to intimidate humans—the truth is that horses see humans as their masters/caretakers. Yes, hard to believe. Well, along those lines, if a horse senses a human feeling anxious—the horse gets anxious. It’s sort of like, “well, if you think the situation is unsafe then I sure feel the same way” kind of thing.

Parents at so many different times can feel anxious and what the little one gets is SOMEHOW THE WORLD IS NOW SCARY BECAUSE MOM AND/OR DAD ARE SCARED (anxious). It’s the same with the herd response—one gets anxious and the others get the message that something is wrong and begin to stampede.

Messages transferred

Actually, two hidden messages are relayed when a parent assists a child to sleep. The parent’s anxiety gets transferred to Dumpling as well as the hidden message that “you cannot go to sleep without my help.” As parents, do we really want to give these messages to our children? If a child can go to sleep on their own at 6 months, why not birth? Could it be that we do not BELIEVE that is possible?

Lately more and more parents bring their 10, 11, or 12 year old children to see me. The complaint is the same. “My child will not go to sleep by him or herself.” Usually the highly anxious child reports, “I just can’t go to sleep by myself!” Where did the child get that anxiety? Where did the child get that BELIEF? As these two components stay in place, the child will undoubtedly grow into an adult who views sleep the same way his or her parents did……as work…..as a task to be done. In that mindset, sleep will remain hampered.

Humans were NOT meant to go to sleep! All of us were designed to fall asleep. No one can do that for us. Just like making good food choices or calming oneself. It’s long overdue for parents to take themselves out of the equation and give our kids the gift of knowing they can fall asleep by themselves.

The result is a much more peaceful life for all. Bill Cosby said that’s really what parents want.

What do you think?

“Oh no, here we go again,” mentally surfaces as you lay your head on your pillow. The clock sits there ticking away minutes which may turn into hours while silently logging your inability to fall asleep. You’ve tried everything! Reading books, hot baths, reading books while in a hot bath, exercising early then exercising late, cutting out caffeine, cutting out evening alcohol, drinking herbal teas, turning off all lights, leaving a night-light on, watching TV, not watching TV, keeping the room cool, playing relaxing music, buying a new mattress, even journaling your tormented thoughts and still you want to scream, “I’m so tired and can’t sleep!”  

Well, you are not alone in this nightly dilemma. Millions all around the world from age 1 to age 101 suffer this same affliction. What lies at the root of this troubled pattern?

Patients invariably tell me “I just can’t make my mind stop thinking.” Whether I’m treating a young toddler or a great grandfather, the brain that just won’t shut up seems the culprit. In the field of Sleep Medicine, we call this “rumination.”

Now if you ask a Sleep Medicine specialist what is the primary cause to most rumination, the majority would probably say, “anxiety.” Study after study has shown that anxiety almost always “predisposes as well as precipitates insomnia.” To read more on those studies, check out my blog post under EMOTIONALLY. I cover the causes of anxiety fully in that post so I will not cover it here.

However, there really is hope and that is what I want to offer you. Any person can develop the “muscles” to quiet a hyperactive brain. Muscles must be used to be developed, right? Just like when my husband decided “we” would start a new hobby of backpacking. I had to first develop the muscles to carry the oversized baggage on my back while keeping my head up to see the path signs. It seems at first I could only do one or the other. Don’t even ask about all the miles we walked out of our way because neither of us was looking up.

The muscle I am referring to in this blog though is actually the frontal portion of your brain. Now I know this is NOT a true muscle however scientists report that this is the area of the brain responsible for calming thought process. Now you might ask, “so do I do sit-ups or pushups on my head?”

Actually neither. To develop this part of your brain, research has shown that sitting quietly for 5 minutes a day did the trick. The study’s participants merely sat quietly for 5 minutes every day for a period of 6 weeks. Yes, that is it. They were told to try and keep their mind on one thought and if the mind wandered then to gently bring their thoughts back to that one thought. The folks who volunteered for this had no prior experience in doing meditative practices. The results were remarkable. Over and over again, the frontal lobe of these subjects had enlarged up to three times the original size. (Hat size remained the same, of course).

When the anxious thoughts were dispelled, rumination no longer ruled thus the participants experienced greater ease in falling to sleep. 

Perhaps now you are thinking, “when will I have time to sit quietly for 5 minutes?” Well, the choice is yours. You can toss and turn for hours or you can begin every day to set aside 5 minutes to be still and quiet your mind. This ought to become part of your daily routine. Children can be taught to do this at a young age which will likely turn into a lifelong practice. Preferably do this during the day and not necessarily right at bedtime. Most of those who participated in the studies reported sleeping an extra hour each day. The frontal lobe of your brain will develop nicely and in doing so your hyperactive thoughts will settle down.

Could be a wonderful trade off if you truly want change and a good night’s sleep.

What do you think?

You could almost call it an out of body experience. Our subconscious takes over and transports us on a journey guided by our deepest emotions. Throughout this mysterious voyage, our conscious brain is wholly unaware of the world outside while locked within an inert body. In cyclic repetition, our bodies enter a temporary state of motor muscle atonia where a sort of paralysis takes over. For humans, this typically daily metamorphosis constitutes a third of a person’s entire life.

Sleep. That extraordinary and often times misunderstood process needed by all mankind. In fact, one of the most effective tortures used throughout history against enemy prisoners has been sleep deprivation. By the 6^th night without sleep, signs of psychosis become evident with symptoms of depersonalization and a loss of a clear sense of identity. Despite our ardent attempts to keep sleep at bay and push through hours of wakefulness, humans continue to require this thing called sleep.

Prior to sleep studies in the 1920s, scientists regarded sleep as an inactive brain state. The generally accepted belief was that the brain shut down at night only to be restarted with the dawning of day. However several years later with the invention of the electroencephalogram (EEG), intermittent levels of brain activity were observed during sleep. We now know that that there is important and vital work taking place during sleep.

One major task activated during healthy sleep is a boost to our immune system with major cellular repair and rebuilding. The dramatic increase in growth hormones causes this overall system maintenance. Another work of stable sleep is the increase of protein synthesis within cells resulting in the development of tissue especially in muscles. Thirdly, corticosteroids discharged during the first hours of sleep are involved with the treatment of inflammation and stress by the promotion of the body’s immune response. These steroids prompt the metabolism of carbohydrates and catabolism of proteins which regulate electrolytes and behavior.

However there is even more work accomplished when one slumbers. White cell production is greatly increased as well as bone growth rate. And who could forget about memory? During our snoozes, short term memories are transferred into long term storage; sort of like backing up your hard drive.

These are just the “tip of the iceberg” of the vast toils of sleep. If you are unaware of the consequences of NOT getting adequate sleep, check out my post under NEUROLOGICALLY. Have I finally convinced you of the prominent role of sleep? Then perhaps you are ready to learn how to get the most desirable sleep. What is most important in regards to being able to get the best sleep possible?

I get that question a lot. Most folks think it’s when they go to bed. Actually that does not play significantly on our body’s controlling mechanisms for sleep. Across the board, there are three critical elements required for optimal sleep. These are:

1. Waking up at the same time 7 days per week.

2. Within 30 minutes to 1 hour of rising, get sunlight exposure into your eyes. Now I do not mean that you need to go outside and LOOK at the sun. An open blind allowing sunlight into a room will do the trick.

3. Within 30 minutes to 1 hour of rising, eat something.

What all three of these have in common is their impact on our circadian rhythm. Inside our brains lies a tiny bundle of neurons called the SCN (suprachiasmatic nucleus) which controls the body’s circadian rhythm. The SCN sits directly above the optic chiasm and is highly influenced by the input of light. Not just any light. The SCN responds to sunlight which averages around 65,000 lux (an indoor light might be around 400 lux).  

Waking up at the same time every day is more important to the brain as opposed to going to bed at the same time. Getting sunlight into your eyes within an hour of wakening actually sets several things in motion. One is the timing/release of awakening chemicals throughout the day. If you check out my post under EMOTIONALLY, I discuss how there are chemicals unleashed by our brain every day to keep us alert. Another result of getting sunlight into your eyes close to your daily rising is the direct impact on the body’s timing of the release melatonin later in the day. Eating within an hour of waking up also helps to set both of these processes in motion.

Our bodies need stability in these three key components for an outcome of ideal sleep and overall health. Of course, there are other factors that may hinder sleep. These may include: the ingestion of caffeine, the timing of work-outs, remaining in a state of anxiety, eating solid food before going to bed, and drinking alcohol. Each of these can impact sleep but the three vital elements I have listed are the highest priority. Most of my patients either have trouble with waking at the same time seven days per week or they live in a part of the world where the early morning hours provide little or no sunlight. There are solutions to both of these dilemmas as well as answers to the various factors hampering stable sleep. If you have a sleep concern or issue, feel free to leave a comment below or drop me a line under ASK DR T on the home page.

Finally, Dr William Dement who is considered one of the forefathers of Sleep Medicine put it this way:

“After all the research I’ve done on sleep problems over the past four decades, my  most significant finding is that ignorance is the worst sleep disorder of them all.”

In the matter of sleep, what you don’t know may very well hurt you. There’s just nothing like a good night’s sleep.

What do you think?

Now if you are thinking Nyquil or getting plastered, then you missed the key word here. Universally. What are the natural causes for sleep to happen with all humans everywhere?

Quite simply, just two things. The first is being awake. Being awake is what a Sleep Medicine specialist calls sleep debt. The longer someone is awake, the greater the sleep debt. Every day we are awake we accumulate sleep debt for that night. If the sleep debt is not completely met, then the debt carries over. For example, let’s say my body needs 8 hours of sleep on average (which is pretty close to the truth). And let’s say I am a young mother of three little children (plus one husband, which makes four) and I work outside the home full time. With all that is on my plate—work, keeping up on the house, taking care of kids—let’s say I get on average about 6.5 hours of sleep per weekday night. In just 5 days, I have accumulated a sleep debt of 7.5 hours! Now I may sleep in later on the weekends (with younger children probably not) but I will still start the next week off being short 3-4 hours of sleep. And if that patterns goes on and on (highly likely) for some months, then I will accumulate some serious sleep debt. That is quite concerning because sleep debt does not just go poof and disappear. Sleep debt must be paid! Like the IRS, sleep debt follows us around until we pay it off.

Therefore sleep debt (or being awake) plays a big part in bringing on sleep. There are NO chemicals in our brains that make us go to sleep (unless we have ingested those chemicals). Our body produces awakening chemicals but absolutely NONE to put us to sleep. To keep us awake, the brain releases at least 18 chemicals twice a day (for teenagers, the timing is altered). The first dump of these awakening chemicals is about an hour after waking up and then at that point, the second dump is determined to be 12 hours later. So if I wake up at 7am, those perk-me-up chemicals are first released at around 8am and then again at 8pm, typically called the “second wind” (And you thought it was your cup of Starbucks). 

Well, you might ask, what about melatonin? Melatonin is a hormone which simply signals our brain that our bodies are entering nighttime. That is it. It is a clock setting component, not a sleep hypnotic. To make things even more confusing, the timing of when this hormone is released is interconnected to when our eyes are exposed to sunlight in the morning. You can find out more about that in my blog posted under PHYSICALLY. I might add here that the current research on melatonin does not match what you will find on store shelves because melatonin is considered a nutritional supplement and has not been FDA approved. Once FDA approved, then the research will have to match what is on the shelves. Currently, the data suggests that an adult take NO MORE than 1mg of melatonin at least 5 hrs (FIVE HOURS) before the desired time of sleep. Remember, this is only to reset your internal clock and ought not to be taken for more than 4-5 days.

Enough on that. The second cause for sleep universally is going into a state of relaxation immediately prior to sleep. Remember, being awake creates this ocean of sleep debt that was made to overtake us the minute we relax. Typically relaxing looks like:

            1. We lay down

            2. Our muscles go limp (snuggle into comfy beds)

            3. Close our eyes

            4. Our breathing begins to slow down

            5. And our minds just wander or float aimlessly

Then sleep overtakes us. No amount of caffeine can completely hold it back—it would be like holding back a huge flood—eventually all the walls are torn down. This relaxation is a primary player in “getting to sleep.” Check out my blog under RELATIONALLY for how relaxation can be disturbed. Falling to sleep is more about the process then the destination.

What exactly gets in the way then? Anxiety! Numerous studies have connected insomnia (difficulty falling or staying asleep) with anxiety. Scientists explain that anxiety “predisposes as well as precipitates insomnia.” Over these past ten years, the reports have shown that anxiety occurs more likely at bedtime which then impairs sleep. I’ve had far too many clients tell me how their “minds are too busy at bedtime that they can’t turn them off to go to sleep.” In fact, I give some helpful tips for folks struggling with that dilemma in my blog posted under MENTALLY. When our minds keep ticking and ticking away while we lay in bed, in the Sleep Medicine world, that is called rumination. Research shows that rumination maintains insomnia.

The trouble is this whole thing gets very tangled. What comes first: the chicken or the egg? Are folks lying anxiously awake because they can’t sleep or does their difficulty in falling to sleep make them anxious? The answer to both is YES! Once again studies have shown that children with chronic anxiety develop a fear of sleeping and that seems to go with them into adolescence (and maybe adulthood—no studies there yet). In 2009, sleep research at Penn State revealed that students with sleep deprivation had significantly higher scores on hyperactivity, anxiety, and depression. Does the lack of adequate sleep cause these symptoms or do these symptoms cause inadequate sleep?

In my private practice, I treat sleep issues first. For a fairly typical example of how this looks, read the blog posted under NEUROLOGICALLY. Over and over again, clients who tell me they feel depressed or have chronic anxiety, report a complete change in these distressing symptoms once their sleep is on track. You might ask: well, how does one get on track with regards to relaxing?   

The key is understanding what part the autonomic nervous system is playing at bedtime. In every human, the autonomic nervous system is made up of the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). It is imperative to note that these two separate parts, the SNS and the PNS cannot be activated at the same time. They are antagonistic. The PNS is in charge of relaxing our bodies and enhancing or allowing sleep to come. Anxiety does not exist in the PNS.

However, that is not the case with the SNS which governs flight/fight response. You may have heard of cortisol—a key hormone in triggering our body to fight or flight. Our bodies have numerous feedback loops to attempt to switch the SNS off as well as stopping cortisol from flooding our bodies. However, in this day and age, living in a state of stress has become a natural, accepted way of life for many of us. When our bodies do not completely recover and switch off the SNS, then anxiety is the natural result. Being in a state of anxiety becomes our new baseline.

Just like oil and water do not mix, well, anxiety and sleep do not mix. In this instant society, most are turning to a pill—an anti-anxiety agent—to quiet their SNS. That is why most recent statistics show that anti-anxiety drugs are the number two drug sold now in America! The only trouble with that remedy is over time our bodies are naturally compelled to adapt to the medication thus impeding its effectiveness. Plus there is always the issue of addiction with this category of medications.

The far wiser approach is to develop a greater awareness of being in a state of anxiety (SNS) and taking the simple steps to flip the switch to the PNS. In my experience, such awareness is 90% of the solution.

What do you think?

I remember it was a clear crisp autumn day, which in my part of the world normally comes around the middle of November. I got a call from a mother of a 12 year old boy and she was frantic that her son “must be ADD or ADHD because he was continually distracted” and “his grades were suffering horribly with his poor memory skills.” I asked the mother, Mrs Nelson, how long her son had shown these symptoms. Her voice projected her drained emotions, “This is all brand new—I just don’t understand! Kyle’s never been like this before.”

I set up an appointment to meet with Kyle’s mom the following week. I am told that since the beginning of the current school year, Kyle’s behaviors had changed. This was his first year in middle school as well as his first year in band. Apparently this bright eager child who had “always made straight As” was making scattered Cs and Ds in these past few weeks.     A couple of his teachers had contacted Kyle’s mom reporting that in class the sixth grader seemed frequently distracted and wasn’t finishing his work. “This is just not like Kyle,” insisted his mom. I ruled out the possibility of any recent traumatic events at home or in his life. Then I questioned the possible influence of electronic devices but Mrs Nelson made it clear that Kyle did not possess a phone, ipad, or any portable video games.

After removing the more obvious causes of sudden behavior change, my line of questioning switched to assess Kyle’s sleep. For most behavioral issues evident in children, sleep is rarely (if ever) examined by doctors and yet sleep is a frequent culprit to distressing symptoms. However most importantly, sleep can become a major concern for teenagers.

Once a child enters adolescence, two significant changes take place. One, the teen’s gonadal steroid hormone production goes through the roof (think secondary sex characteristics). For boys, there is a 26-fold increase in testosterone levels while in girls the estradiol levels mount up 10-fold. Plus for both adolescent boys and girls, there is a dramatic increase in growth hormones. The understanding among scientists is that this incredible increase in hormones seems to interfere with the natural work of the body’s sleep hormone called melatonin. Let me be clear on this; there are NO chemicals in our bodies that naturally cause sleep to happen. Melatonin’s role is simply alerting the brain and body that it is nighttime—it is a clock-setting hormone. Find out more about the important role of melatonin by visiting my post under EMOTIONALLY.

The second key change in a teenager’s body is how awakening brain chemicals are altered. For everyone (except adolescents) there are two main times per day when at least 18 chemicals are released to wake up our brains. The first happens about an hour after waking up and the second is then set for 12 hours later. That is called our “second wind.” If a child or an adult gets up at 6:30am then around 7:30am, these awakening chemicals are first released and set to be re-released around 7:30pm. After that nighttime second wind, the accumulation of sleep debt is meant to quickly overtake us. Check out more about how to get optimal sleep on my post under PHYSICALLY.

For teens the timing of these wake-up chemicals is unique for that developmental stage. The research has shown that adolescents experience that first release of awakening chemicals but it appears there is not just one marked second release. Rather there seems to be two or more milder releases of these awakening chemicals.

Kyle is a good example already at age 12. Studies have reported that optimal sleep for his age needs to fall close to 9.2 hours per night. His mom told me on school days he has to get up at 6:30am to be at band practice by 7:15am. Then most days he has to stay after school about an hour to use the band instruments for his daily individual practice. Kyle was selected for percussion and many of these instruments cannot be taken home.

Kyle’s mom said that frequently Kyle falls asleep on the drive home from school and “collapses on the couch” when they get home. “I usually let him nap until dinner” and most weekdays we are done with that around 7pm. It appears that is the time that Kyle’s second wind kicks in. He begins his homework but his mom notices he seems easily distracted. “I have to keep after him to stay focused,” she complains. By 9:30pm, Kyle is told to get ready for bed but at that time he does not seem sleepy. His mom explains, “Most nights Kyle putters around and does not actually get in bed until 11pm.” Those brain awakening chemicals probably begin to trickle around 7pm and for Kyle, last until 11pm. This kind of pattern is typical for a teen’s body. That means on school nights Kyle is collecting a sleep debt of about 2.2 hours/night making a total of 11 hours for just one week! However, his body requires that all missing sleep (sleep debt) must be paid!

On the weekends, it seems Kyle sleeps in until 8:30am when he gets up for his Tai Chi class on Saturdays and church services on Sundays. On Friday and Saturday nights, Kyle usually stays up about an hour later (12am or so). His mom mentions that on Sundays Kyle normally takes a two hour nap in the afternoon. So even with the extra sleep on the weekends, Kyle begins each new week with an accumulated sleep debt of 10 hours. With 12 weeks now of this newly imposed schedule, Kyle could potentially be missing up to 120 hours of sleep since school began. That is most significant.

For a Pediatric Behavioral Sleep Medicine specialist, I asked the critical question with regards to a child’s sleep. Does Kyle wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go in the mornings or is he sleepy? “Oh, he is extremely sleepy in the morning!” his mom announces. Without a doubt, sleep is an issue for Kyle.

The impact of sleep deprivation on a teenager’s brain is alarming. These are the apparent symptoms:

            1. Impaired perception

            2. Difficulty concentrating or focusing

            3. Increase of poor decisions due to judgment impairment

            4. Visual disturbances

            5. Slower reactions

            6. Emotional instability

            7. Increased aggressiveness

            8. Deteriorating interpersonal responses

            9. Speech can become monotonous and unclear

            10. Sensitivity to pain is higher

            11. Overall greater muscle tension

            12. Presence of micro-episodes of sleep during wakefulness—leading to poor task performance

Even more alarming is that research has shown that after 20 to 25 hours of sleeplessness, a teenager’s brain function most resembles that of someone having ethanol intoxication—a blood alcohol concentration of 0.10%. If sleep deprivation is not remedied, over time a child has an increased risk of obesity, diabetes, and (long term) cardiovascular disease. One of the major functions of sleep is repair and rebuilding of cells and without adequate sleep, a child’s immune function is greatly hampered.

Kyle’s mom is on board with the priority to address her son’s sleep deprivation first. Little can be done about his school day schedule—his own body works against the ability to sleep by keeping him awake until 11pm. I recommend for the upcoming weeks, that Kyle’s bedroom lights are turned off at 10pm, even on Fridays and Saturdays. I also suggest that Kyle be allowed to sleep late on either Saturday or Sunday (or both). Kyle’s mom is willing to drop the Tai Chi class but she wants him to attend church. Finally, Mrs Nelson decides to allow Kyle to miss both the class and church for at least two weeks and see if there is any improvement.

I follow up with the family three weeks later and his mom exclaims, “Kyle is becoming his old self again!” In just two weeks, Kyle was already showing improvement in his ability to focus and concentrate and his higher grades were proof that we were on track. After another month, Kyle’s issues disappeared altogether. I explained to Mrs Nelson that until Kyle was out of adolescence (early 20s) meeting sleep needs would be a challenge. I pointed out the importance of flexibility in his schedule on a regular basis to re-prioritize time for Kyle to catch up on any missed sleep.

What do you think?

The next time you find yourself up into the wee hours of the night way past your bedtime therefore waking up with large dark circles or “bags” under your eyes along with an inability to wake, just blame it all on Edison.

I know what you are thinking. “Edison is not to blame—it was that movie or TV show that I just had to watch to the end,” right? Or maybe you were surfing the net and reading captivating blogs (like this one?) that kept you away from your comfy pillow and blankets. We all know Edison did not invent the internet; some say it was Al Gore. Or perhaps you were just out late with friends or hoping to make friends at some late night bar or party place. Well, you feel pretty certain Edison is not associated with clubs or bars.

Actually Edison remains either directly or indirectly responsible for all of the above to take place. With his invention of his long-lasting light bulb, the darkness of night would no longer completely prevail over mankind. From that point forward, humans could be freed forever (except during storms and most camping trips) from the dominion of the sun’s daily disappearance.

Like many other mammals in the animal kingdom, humans are diurnal. Now that does not have anything to do with using the toilet. Diurnal means we were meant to be awake and at work with the sun high in the sky and asleep in the bed when nighttime comes. In fact, sunlight plays an integral part of setting our circadian rhythm—that is, the clock inside of us. To understand what that means, check out my blog under PHYSICALLY.

The opposite of this would be “nocturnal” which is what my teenage son believes best describes his wiring. Though my son’s summer schedule does look like something out of Dracula’s Adventures, I am his mother and I know for a fact he used to sleep at night and play during the day. Adolescence changed much of that for him and for more on that, please read my blog posted under NEUROLOGICALLY.

With Edison’s light bulb, we were given the ability to read or stay up late drinking coffee while playing cards with friends (remember The Dick Van Dyke Show?). Then came the TV and we got a bunch more choices to keep us from sleep; perhaps even watching reruns of The Dick Van Dyke Show. Of course, for many, sitting in front of a TV quickly became the needed background noise for sleep to even come. Within just one generation of its invention, folks began confessing how they needed “the noise of the TV to go to sleep.”  

Then with a new generation came a new distraction for sleep. Computers. Internet. The irresistible temptation to watch video after video on YouTube (and usually the same videos!). In fact, there are so very many possible things to do on a computer (write a blog) in the late hours of the day, I am getting weary just thinking of them (as well as doing them).

Now for you who were observant, perhaps you noticed I did not mention the phone and we all know the phone was invented before the computer (at least for the general public). That is because with the original “landline” phone, we had what was called “rules.” If one of my friends called after 9pm on a school night, the unfortunate soul got to get an earful of my father’s famous lecture that “we do not receive calls after 9pm.” No, my feeling is that the early days of the telephone presented no particular temptation to be up late missing out on sleep. (Unless of course it was your boyfriend or girlfriend and you had to talk about the fight you had that day).

However, such is not the case with the cell phone invention. Actually, cell phones now not only connect us to people but also are like small computers. Who can even imagine allowing any distance to part from one’s phone? Let’s return to my above-mentioned son. As I visit the bathroom in the middle of the night, I notice a frequent familiar sound emitting from his bedroom. I recognize the robust voice that booms out “I’ve got a present for you!” every time my son gets a text. In the span of minutes, I have heard that voice 7 times. Who is up (besides me) at this hour texting my son? I look in his room and find him sprawled across his bed, snoring and yet in his right hand he is still clutching his phone. No doubt he is among delta waves and cannot hear the awful tune of his phone. I peek at the latest message: wut r u doing and hold back the temptation to reply: “I am his mother and why are you asking him this in the middle of the night?” It would only result in another text which I would then feel compelled to answer and there we are—texting all night!

It just seems there is so much to do, so many ways to have more fun—who needs sleep? Even the presence of such possible amusement actually impedes the process of sleep and read my blog under EMOTIONALLY for more details. Not only do we have ongoing access to these invented sleep diversions, for years now many stores stay open all night. Speaking of stores, who would have thought the day (or night) would come when Black Fridays would start at midnight? Of course, if no one showed up, well, what would be the fun in that? And not only stores, but fitness clubs offer around the clock availability. Only a wimp would go to bed and be a party pooper, right?  

All of this because of a lightbulb? Edison himself saw this coming and questioned the dilemma he thrust upon mankind. However if it had not been Edison, it would have been somebody else because now we see firsthand (through technology) how ideas spread and spring out of folks almost at the same time.

The fact remains it was indeed Edison and that is the person to blame when you stay up until 4am writing your blog. I am a Sleep Medicine specialist and I know exactly who to blame.

What do you think?

As a school-age girl growing up in the sixties, watching movies on the big screen was a huge deal. Everything about it felt surreal. Being able to get an armful of goodies such as popcorn, candy and a soda and be allowed to eat these things without a TV tray seemed the ultimate. I remember how seriously the ushers performed their job duties and were like the policemen of the movie theatre. They stood regal in their uniforms and offered help to anyone in need of a seat. I would settle into the comfort of my cushioned chair as a short cartoon or two would play before the feature. Then before my awestruck eyes appeared my favorite heart throbs such as Paul Newman and Robert Redford making them seem larger than life. Of course, on the over-sized screen, they were larger than life.

These stars were perfect; not one flaw ever apparent. Everything they did, I wanted to emulate. When my hormones began to kick in during my prepubescent years, my eyes were glued with fascination to the love scenes.

Though the characters along with their costumes frequently changed, the love-making scenes became predictable. The guy would kiss the woman once or twice and though what followed was either under bed blankets or impaired by some other visual obstruction, the audience simply knew what was happening. Within seconds of that first kiss, the guy was now mounted up on top of the woman and within another second, she was screaming her heart out in pure ecstasy. Over and over again it was the same. Kiss, kiss, mount up and scream. I always wondered what made the woman scream. Was it the guy’s big penis going inside her that made a woman scream? Why would that make a woman scream? None of my health classes covered any of this — especially the screaming part — and there was no way I was about to ask anyone.

I just figured this was how sex was. After all, this was the movies. No one questioned the movies. Despite the fact I had been raised to question the world around me though the example of two very intelligent parents, all of that went “poof” sitting inside a movie theatre or even in front of our TV. I simply intuitively considered that whatever appeared on the screen before me was The Truth. That is, until a friend of a friend became pregnant at the tender age of fifteen. Let’s call her MayLou.

I was fourteen years old and what I learned that day awakened my critical thinking skills like ammonium carbonate under the nose of an unconscious person.

MayLou had invited me to see her new home after the birth of her son. She had married the father of the baby and was taking classes at night so she could get her GED. I remembered thinking how MayLou was like a real grown-up. She had a real kitchen with pans and utensils and plates and napkins and she even had a bathroom and a separate bedroom for the baby with pictures on the wall. When the tour of her double-wide mobile home was complete, I was impressed at the vast chasm separating our worlds. She was a girl who knew all about everything, even sex. I had had only one boyfriend and all we ever did was hold hands under the table during art class.

Outside her son’s bedroom, MayLou confided, “You know, it’s not that great. In fact, there’s nothing fun about sex at all.” Her face seemed so disappointed like someone who had been promised some great gift but found the box empty. I can still see her face.

Between Us Girls

Years later, during my freshman year at college, the light bulb went off. Up late with friends talking and laughing and drinking too much Tab, one of our suite mates named Nydia came bubbling in. Her face was all lit up and you could tell whatever was on her mind, she was not keeping it a secret. “Hey yall, I think I had an orgasm tonight,” Nydia burst out giddy with excitement. Immediately the roomful of ladies cheered her on with applause and yelps. Then one of the more experienced onlookers offered, “You think?”

The room got very quite. Nydia’s story unfolded with a bit of hesitancy. “Well, Brian and I were kissing and he started to play with my breasts — I mean with my clothes on — touching them and rubbing on them and I felt so turned on and after almost an hour of that, he was laying on the floor and I was straddling him. Now, we both still had our clothes on and I could feel he was hard and he was rubbing against me down there with his, you know, and then all of a sudden, I felt like I had gone over a waterfall and was flying and floating at the same time. My whole body seemed to be trembling but not on the outside — like way down inside of me. That was an orgasm, right?”

“Honey, you had a dressed rehearsal!!” exclaimed a voice in the back. Then peals of laughter filled the room and threatened to get us noticed by our dorm mother.

My curiosity could not be contained. “Did you scream?” I asked Nydia. Her eyes closed to think and her voice softened, “I think I moaned or something. I really don’t remember. Oh, it was so wonderful.”

So Nydia had had an orgasm and with all her clothes on. And the process had taken over an hour at least. Lots of kissing, playing with her breasts, his erect penis rubbing against the outside of her perineal area. Totally clothed! The whole theory of the large penis entering a woman and causing her to scream felt questionable. I finally realized that the sex portrayed via the lens of filmmakers did not match up to what happens in real life.

That was nearly 40 years ago and little has changed in the movie world. Sure, the stars now have far more tattoos and spiky colorful hair. And the price of popcorn is way beyond the blame of inflation. Today’s movie theatres are like miniature cities and ushers are more likely found standing next to empty trash cans while texting on their phones.

However in 2012, sex on the big screen (in homes as well as in theatres) is much the same as when I was growing up. Kiss, kiss, mount up and scream. Same old, same old. How many young impressionable minds would believe this portrayal of sex as THE “truth?” When would The Truth become apparent?

That is, that all these women screaming their hearts out in earnest are called “actresses.”

What do you think?

I got the call initially from the wife, let’s call her Emma. “My husband and I would like to come see you about some sexual problems we are having,” she said flatly with clear detachment. Emma did not seem particularly eager to give me more details and with my busy schedule, I could wait until our meeting.

At the appointment time, Emma arrived before her husband Dominic and sat erect on the couch. Once again, I sensed her great hesitancy in answering any questions. To describe Emma as a woman of few words would have been an understatement; her replies consisted of the bare minimal. She explained their problem as “he wants is and I don’t.” As far as Emma was concerned, she had no desire to have sex at all. Dominic apparently had told her that “something was wrong with her” and at his urgings, she had made a trip to her gynecologist to get “checked out.” She relayed to me that the female physician had told Emma that she had not found any biological reasons for her disinterest in sex. As far as Emma was concerned, it was not a problem for her; it was only a problem for her husband. Apparently her gynecologist had suggested that Emma begin to masturbate to help increase her libido. Emma confided that she has less interest to do that then to have sex with her husband.

The minute Dominic came rushing into my office, I witnessed Emma’s polar opposite. He was nonstop chatter. He conveyed his frustration in being late. “I had to listen to the baby sitter gripe about not getting paid on time.” The sarcasm was clear and cutting. “Miss Brilliant here apparently forgot to pay the babysitter on Monday like she’s suppose to.” Emma let out a nervous laugh. She tried to explain that on Monday with three small children in tow, Emma had left later than usual and in her rush to work, had forgotten to pay the babysitter. Dominic interrupts, “what kind of dumb f*ck can’t even remember to hand over a check? Even a third grader could do that.” His tone didn’t sound particularly angry but rather ended with a bit of a chuckle. Emma let out a muffled giggle as well.

Though this verbal exchange provided much information, I changed gears and asked about their relationship. Once again, Dominic controlled all spoken dialogue. Emma sat mute. He reported that they have been together 5 years and have been married for almost four. They have three children. A son who is 4 1/2 years old and two daughters — one 3 years old with a baby about to be 18 months.

As Dominic begins to ramble once again, I point out that I have not heard much from Emma and would like to get a bit of her personal history, specifically, her sexual history. Apparently Emma became sexually active in college and through those four years had numerous sex partners….”more than she could ever count.” This pattern followed for about three more years until she met Dominic. As she explained, most of her lovers were just “one night stands” and the few that were not, well, “there was not any depth to the relationship.” Curiosity drove my next question, “did you enjoy having sex ever with any of them?” Her answer rapidly fired, “No!” It turns out that Emma has never had an orgasm. I suppress my surprise that she would keep on having sex with anyone.

I explain the often unheard of truth of the sex hormonal differences between a man and a woman. Both seem quite astonished with this new information. Feel free to learn more about that in my blog posted under the PHYSICALLY category. Dominic conveys the true picture of their sexual intimacy. “I bug her and bug her until she finally gives in and then she just lays there while I do my business. It’s clear she can’t wait until I’m done.”

Then I lean in and ask Dominic gently, “when you first arrived, you referred to Emma as ‘Miss Brilliant’ and ‘dumb f*ck’ and even ‘third grader.’ Do you speak to her like that at home?” Dominic defends with a subdued laugh, “that’s just the way I talk — she knows I don’t mean anything by it. She knows I’m her big bear.” Then I ask Emma, “How do you like being called those names?” Her voice is quiet — the laughter gone. “I don’t.”

Now Dominic’s voice bellows, “What’s that got to do with it?”

What does relationship have to do with female orgasm? — that is a good question. I explain how in all my experience there are two things that can utterly wipe out sexual desire. One is Unspoken Frustrations which lead to Resentment piling up. Resentment is a killer of passion. For a woman especially, Resentment has a profound effect since two of the organs involved in female orgasm reside in the brain. The second enemy to satisfying sexual intimacy is the presence of Control in a relationship. If either partner (or both) feels like the other is trying to change or control them, well, over time it seems sexual desire does not stand a chance of surviving.

Of course, in this couple’s case there is a little more involved. The pattern of sexual “performance” existed in Emma’s world long before she met Dominic and that pattern would need to change. To get an idea of how that looks, check out my blog under the MENTALLY category. Also with the natural design behind female orgasm, Emma would need to share with Dominic what feels good to her and what doesn’t when they are having sex. Female orgasm is complicated and there is no one-size-fits-anyone of how to get there, not even with the same woman from day to day. Obviously, Emma has never really paid attention to herself or the sensations within her body or shared this with any of her lovers. And it would seem Emma has chosen a spouse who does not take the initiative to ask and explore her pleasures. He expects her to take that initiative and she expects him to take that initiative. Actually, both need to be able to speak out of their own hearts to one another. Emma is not the only one with the probable build-up of Resentment. Undoubtedly, Dominic also has years of frustration that his wife repeatedly gives him the message that “she simply does not need to have sex.” That would sound a lot like she does not need (or want) Dominic as a lover. That would hurt. Not to mention how bad it would feel to make the effort over and over again to initiate sex only to be turned down repeatedly.

Where we started that day was to take a tiny first step for change. Prior to our session, it had not really registered with Dominic that his “teasing” was painful to Emma and might be resulting in ever-increasing Resentment. Of course, that would mean that Emma needs to speak up more. Dominic vehemently insisted that he “would love for that to happen. She just won’t talk.” I pointed out that things were a bit lopsided and Emma had gotten very comfortable to allow Dominic to dominate the conversations. Obviously she felt some insecurity (actually probably more like unfamiliarity) with speaking and like most of us, stayed in the place of what’s comfortable. In order for Emma to talk more, Dominic would need to listen more. I asked him how he could help Emma feel safer to want to open up to him. Would calling her names — even if just teasing help her feel safe? A light went off in his head. “Well, then, I guess I just need to shut up more and stop calling her names.” I point out that just being aware of what he is doing with her would be a more reasonable first step.

However, Emma has a part to play in whether things change or not. Is she ready to begin to pay attention to her own feelings? That would be a feasible first step for her. Once she can tune into her insides better, then she can learn to start sharing these with Dominic. There would be a couple of other steps as well to get this couple’s relationship to a place favorable for lasting ongoing sexual satisfaction for both. If this couple chose to take those steps, then the possibility of Emma coming to sexual climax might stand a chance of blossoming.

What do you think?

How can a woman’s mind be her worst enemy when it comes to female orgasm? One of the best examples came to me from a young client I met years ago. Let’s call her Carin.

“I just can’t stop thinking! Really!! I try to relax and get into sex with my dear husband but I just have so much on my mind. You know we have 3 children ages 7, 4 and 2 and I never feel like I catch up. I make most of the meals and so there’s the planning and cooking that goes with that. Dean (my husband) doesn’t like to shop so that’s on me as well. And I feel like all I do is drive and I can’t seem to be on time hardly. In the mornings I rush around to get the kids up and going and then since Dean is usually already gone, I have to load the kids up by myself and drop the younger two at the babysitter’s then take our oldest to school. Then I am really rushed to get to work on time. And there’s always traffic. I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining but it feels like at work I can at least relax a bit and think of myself. By 4:20pm the whole thing starts up again and I have to get the kids again in reverse order. Then there’s homework, dinner to make, laundry to clean, and anything else I can possibly squeeze in before our oldest has to go to practice. Most of the time Dean takes him but I just feel like I have to think about all of this and to keep everyone moving is all on me. And my house….oh, it’s such a mess and I never seem to get caught up with what has to be done. By 8:30pm I feel so tired but not really sleepy—that’s so weird. Luckily the kids are so tired too they go right to sleep around 9 or so. Dean and I go to bed soon after and it seems like he always wants to have sex. Really I’m not trying to complain—I like that he wants me that much. He’ll start rubbing my shoulders and I know I’ve just got to stop thinking about what needs to be done but I can’t. And he just gets turned on so fast. I try to think of him and what he likes and all and he’d probably say we don’t really even have any sex problems. But I’m just getting to a point where I’m not really enjoying sex—it’s like it’s another thing I have to do. I’m not even 30 years old yet and I feel too young to start not wanting sex any more. How can I just turn off my mind???”

Carin’s story is a familiar one among the many who come to see me. Except with Carin, though she’s aware that her work environment seems more relaxing than her home life, Carin had not yet explored how extramarital relations could meet her needs. Most of the women who visit me have already walked down that path in one way or another.

I get straight to the point. “Actually, Carin, I don’t want you to turn off your mind—your ability to think is a great asset to wonderfully satisfying sex.”

“I just don’t see how that is possible,” Carin doubts aloud.

I ask Carin if there was a time when she enjoyed making love with Dean. “Oh, sure, especially when we first got together. It just seems impossible now to keep my mind from ticking and so I can’t get into it like he does,” she confides. “I can’t remember when I had an orgasm and I used to have those so easily.”

I point out, “Well, it seems that your sexual intimacy has turned into work, is that right?” Carin nods.

I explain that is very common today. For any of us at any given time, the busyness of life can start a pattern of jumping from one task to the next. It is only human to want to put forth the effort to make certain one does one’s best. When we get into a habit of focusing on what we need to do all day long every day, then “doing” becomes our default mode of mental focus. Like the rest of us, Carin was meant to be a human being not a human doing. The effective “doing” of her daytime was now interfering with the intimate closeness at times with her husband.

For others, a somewhat different pattern can impede optimal intimate pleasure. Some couples simply start out “performing” in their sexual relations with one another. Like trying to impress one another with their “techniques.” With all the magazines boasting articles like Six Things to Really Turn Your Lover On and Fourteen Steps to Dazzling Sex, well, it’s no wonder sex can become operational. That appears to happen more with couples who have spent substantial time in the dating world having had sexual relations with many different lovers. In that scenario, sex can easily become something to perform. Though this particular culprit did not seem to apply to Carin and Dean, the solution is still the same.

For women especially, keeping a singular thought focus can be particularly challenging since women are known to use both sides of their brain simultaneously. Most studies have shown that men use one side of their brains at a time. With this in mind, I suggest to Carin a new way of thinking as she moves forward. “When a time comes when you truly want to have sexual intercourse with Dean, I want you to think on this thought only: to ENJOY HOW MY LOVER ENJOYS MY BODY right now. Nothing else—that is it. Does this make sense?”

Carin speaks slowly, “Enjoy how Dean enjoys my body right now. Hmmm. That is a different thought. But what if other thoughts keep creeping in?”

“That would be normal—change will take some time so be gentle with yourself. This way of thinking to enjoy how my lover enjoys my body right now will move you from doing to being. To help stop any creeping busy thoughts, tune into your senses each and every time you get tempted while in those sweet loving moments with Dean. As you explore one another’s bodies, let enjoyment guide your senses. Smells, sounds, sight, touch, and taste. Focus on those.”

Carin was able to begin enjoying sex with Dean again and as she said “at a deeper level of pleasure.” She used the strength of her mind and turned her focus to enjoy how my lover enjoys my body right now. This mental focus effectively moved her from the rut of what she needed to be doing to a mindset of being in the moment of love-making.

What do you think?