Female Orgasm: It’s Complicated
For 32 years of working with troubled families, I believe I have heard just about everything from women regarding their sex lives. When I was a newlywed myself, I heard one exasperated wife complain about her husband, “he’s all done in 6 minutes and it’s never been over 8 minutes.” I remember thinking why is she watching the clock? After years of listening to women, now I know. I couldn’t count the numbers of women who have said something to the effect ” I just feel like he thinks it’s too much trouble to try and get me to come too so I don’t.” Or the ones who confide “he’s at third base and I’m still in the parking lot.” Probably highest in occurrence are the women who tell me “I’m just not interested in having sex anymore.” However what surprises me the most are the women who have given birth to their third, fourth, and even fifth child and confess they have never even had an orgasm. Frankly, that does not seem fair. How do so many women find themselves at such a place?
It seems many of the scientific and medical world believe that any difficulty in experiencing female orgasm lies within the woman. What’s wrong with her? Maybe she needs some test or pills or something. There is even a formal diagnosis offered for the newest revision of the DSM V that goes with this thinking. It’s called Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder and puts the blame smack on a woman if she has difficulty with arousal or no interest in sex. I believe a more appropriate diagnosis would be Thinking Men and Women Are Alike in Their Sexual Responses. That kind of thinking is at the core of believing that there is even a problem at all. I lay most of the blame on Hollywood for such misinformation and please check out the blog under SOCIALLY for more on that.
How many people would you imagine know that there are nine different hormones in five separate organs in a women’s body that govern her sexuality? From my vantage point, minuscule to none. A women’s sexual response is complicated — this is not an accident — it was the intention of the designer. I am appalled when couples come into my office and the woman is apoloqizing that is “takes her so long to get turned on.” Why is she apologizing? Unless a woman is on the far end of horny, most women require T-I-M-E to just get the engine started.
Perhaps you are a woman reading this thinking “oh no, that’s why I don’t get turned on? NINE hormones!! I need a prescription for more hormones.” Pills can never replace good old fashion TIME in bringing a woman to orgasm.
Men have ONE hormone in ONE organ that governs their sexual response. Just on the hormonal level alone, the comparison is similar to that of a jet engine and a lawnmower. It may take numerous buttons, switches, levers and knobs to get a jet started but once that engine gets going, it can go all the way from one end of the world to the other. A lawnmower may start up nice and quick but it won’t be able to take you from America to Australia. That is the wonder of female orgasm — this natural ability to experience multiple climaxes within one sexual encounter. With fairly brief pauses between orgasms, a woman can be brought to climax again and again as many times as she wants. The truth is a lawnmower is not made the same way.
However no one seems particularly bothered that men in general have only one orgasm when they have sex. Rather the focus of concern is that a majority of sexually active women do not orgasm or even want to have sex. Maybe the problem is not them; maybe it’s the sex itself. Maybe the sex is not enjoyable. Just try running a jet engine alongside a lawnmower. It’s no wonder lovers may get frustrated.
To complicate things even further, many times a man who longs to bring his female partner to climax can feel like a failure or worse. The way a woman is wired, typically her verbal input may be needed in getting her “engine” revved up on any given day. These spoken words can feel like criticism to a man. “No, that doesn’t feel so good” or “I’d like you to touch me here or like this” can unintentionally come across like some kind of checklist for performance. Of course, if that is the case, then man needs to speak his feelings and more on that in my blog under MENTALLY.
An ever increasing and disturbing number of young female teens who come see me describe their sexual experiences as anything but enjoyable. I had one young girl tell me her story which is similar to many I hear these days. This lovely girl told me that when she was 13 years old, she and some of her friends were with older guys and she ended up drinking too much. Before she knew it, she was on the floor of a bathroom with her head next to the toilet while some guy was on top of her rhythmically thrusting his organ into her. As she shared this I thought to myself, how do girls come to settle on being treated so unkindly? Apparently she repeatedly made weakened and unsuccessful attempts to push him off but “it was all over so soon.” She doesn’t think of it as rape — she was at a party and they were having “fun”. But that was her first experience with sex and as is typical for all of us humans, we tend to continue what we have learned and practiced. Thus began a pattern for her.
Not the toilet part, I hope, but the part where her focus during sexual coitus remained driven by what her partner wanted. Any thought to what might genuinely feel good to her was pushed out of her awareness. Now she might “pretend” something felt great because then she knew the guy would get more aroused and “be done sooner.” Over the years she developed this impression that after a boy got what he wanted, then she knew she would be history — he would “dump” her. The belief hidden way down inside of her was “no guy really cares about me” and so she kept a wall up in order that none of her sex partners would ever know her true feelings. She was simply protecting her heart.
Now fast forward this story about 15 to 20 years. The girl is now a grown woman who has a couple of kids, married to a wonderful man but they come to me because they have marital unhappiness. It turns out she just can’t seem to enjoy sex; the way she put it was “I just really don’t want to have sex and it would be fine with me if we just stopped it altogether.” When we delved a bit deeper it turned out that she realized she was having the hardest time opening her heart to him — actually telling him what she enjoyed most. In fact she realized she didn’t even know herself enough to tell him what she enjoyed most. She had spent all these years practicing at having sex where she kept pushing aside her own wants and sure enough, after all these years, well, practice make perfect.
I believe for a woman to experience the greatest sexual pleasure, the best place to start is for her to get to know her own body and sexual desires — what feels good at any given moment. Typically for women there is not a one-size-fits-all; in fact, there isn’t even a one-size-fits-anyone on a daily basis. The next step would be to share this important self knowledge with a partner who wants to take the time to know and explore the fullness of her orgasmic possibilities.
What do you think?
Dr T Please click on About Us on the HOME page menu to read my life summary. (You'll find it at the bottom of that page)
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Cheryl Aug 9 2012 - 12:11 pm
I appreciate your comments, as well, that at some point, a woman may (and needs to) set the standard for herself on how she will be treated. If she accepts poor treatment, then she will get poor treatment. This is by no means a quick and easy transition, but one that must take place if she is to see herself as a valuable person.
Dr.B Jul 19 2012 - 7:43 pm
Dr.T,
This is a great article, and one which has the potential to help many couples; however, as I read through it, I still felt as though the blame was being put on the woman, rather than the man being spoken to regarding how he may be less focused on himself, and, thereby, able to focus on the needs of his partner to ease her from the factors that led her to be in the position that she is in…all due to male behaviors that have been exhibited to her. We, as a society, and as therapists, really need to stop putting all the blame on women, and we need to start confronting and placing the onus on men when that is where it belongs!
Dr. B
Dr T Jul 20 2012 - 12:03 pm
You make an excellent point. It seems if a woman has sexual arousal issues, the more frequent responses to her are “What’s wrong with you?” or “Who cares?” or “You need to get help!”
The common undertow message today from men to their female partners is “Your feelings/thoughts/input/dreams have little importance to me; it’s really all about me and my needs.” From my vantage point in working with couples over all these years, whatever attitude predominants in the bedroom, well, that same attitude typically predominants in every part of that relationship. A man’s sexual sensitivity (or lack thereof) is like the tip of the iceberg. If a woman’s needs are dismissed behind closed doors, there is great likelihood that that woman is dismissed in many other ways.
I wonder how the rampant influence of electronically available women (via pictures or videos) impacts a man’s receptivity with his in-the-flesh female partner. With the onscreen lover, a man does not need to be sensitive, respectful, ready to listen, or even concerned of her needs. No, when a man encounters visually available women, his thoughts are simply on himself and getting complete pleasure JUST FOR HIMSELF. How does that ongoing experience help a man to become more tuned in and respectful of his real life female partner? Well, the data shows that viewing pornography is now at epidemic numbers among men—especially influencing the minds of young impressionable male teens. What is the outcome of developing such a life pattern of self-absorption, even if it is kept secret from all around?
That question is worth our serious contemplation. However, let me address the issue of a woman’s sexual needs (or ANY other needs for that matter) being dismissed. Yes, we certainly could take the stance that the blame is all on the man–for NOT caring, for NOT asking, for NOT being sensitive–in fact, we could just sum all that up and just say he is selfish! Howevever, it seems that judgment is based on incomplete information. If the female partner involved has never spoken or stood up for her needs, then we cannot rightfully say that man is selfish–he may be simply ignorant. If a woman accepts crumbs instead of respectful, loving, mindful, attentive care–well, she has set the standard then and only she can make change. The first step would be for her to be aware that she no longer chooses to be dismissed–in the bedroom or any where else. I call women in such a relational state, INVISIBLE. When a woman no longer wishes to be invisible, well, then she will speak up for herself on a regular basis. Of course, she will need to BELIEVE that she is worth such respect. If after she has spoken up and stood for how she wishes to be treated and her male lover has no desire to change his interactions, well then the man would be the one to blame.
Thanks again for contributing your thoughts and creating this dialogue.
Phil Ramon May 24 2012 - 2:16 pm
Dr.T,
Interesting and informative. I’ve marked you as a favorite.
Phil
DrT May 25 2012 - 3:32 pm
Thanks Phil. I appreciate your feedback on the video found under About Us and replaced it with a new one. So, how about being a guest author???
Nena L. Hayden May 24 2012 - 11:51 am
DrT ~ This is so wonderful! Thank you for writing this and sharing it with others. I truly enjoyed your topics! Can’t wait to read more……….
God Bless,
Nena
DrT May 24 2012 - 12:03 pm
How sweet of you Nena! Thx!
tiffanysmith1 May 22 2012 - 10:22 pm
Good article. Will deffinately share this with my own clients.
DrT May 23 2012 - 7:51 am
Wonderful. Glad it can be be of use to you.
Leigh Ann Peek May 19 2012 - 7:56 am
I am so proud of you! Wow! Your website is amazing! Keep up the excellent work! We hope to see y’all soon!
Love,
Leigh Ann
DrT May 19 2012 - 9:39 am
Thanks Leigh Ann! How kind of you.
Be sure to read Kiss, Kiss, Mount Up and Scream. There’s a funny video to watch. Keep coming back. Next topic is on Sleep.