How can a woman’s mind be her worst enemy when it comes to female orgasm? One of the best examples came to me from a young client I met years ago. Let’s call her Carin.
“I just can’t stop thinking! Really!! I try to relax and get into sex with my dear husband but I just have so much on my mind. You know we have 3 children ages 7, 4 and 2 and I never feel like I catch up. I make most of the meals and so there’s the planning and cooking that goes with that. Dean (my husband) doesn’t like to shop so that’s on me as well. And I feel like all I do is drive and I can’t seem to be on time hardly. In the mornings I rush around to get the kids up and going and then since Dean is usually already gone, I have to load the kids up by myself and drop the younger two at the babysitter’s then take our oldest to school. Then I am really rushed to get to work on time. And there’s always traffic. I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining but it feels like at work I can at least relax a bit and think of myself. By 4:20pm the whole thing starts up again and I have to get the kids again in reverse order. Then there’s homework, dinner to make, laundry to clean, and anything else I can possibly squeeze in before our oldest has to go to practice. Most of the time Dean takes him but I just feel like I have to think about all of this and to keep everyone moving is all on me. And my house….oh, it’s such a mess and I never seem to get caught up with what has to be done. By 8:30pm I feel so tired but not really sleepy—that’s so weird. Luckily the kids are so tired too they go right to sleep around 9 or so. Dean and I go to bed soon after and it seems like he always wants to have sex. Really I’m not trying to complain—I like that he wants me that much. He’ll start rubbing my shoulders and I know I’ve just got to stop thinking about what needs to be done but I can’t. And he just gets turned on so fast. I try to think of him and what he likes and all and he’d probably say we don’t really even have any sex problems. But I’m just getting to a point where I’m not really enjoying sex—it’s like it’s another thing I have to do. I’m not even 30 years old yet and I feel too young to start not wanting sex any more. How can I just turn off my mind???”
Carin’s story is a familiar one among the many who come to see me. Except with Carin, though she’s aware that her work environment seems more relaxing than her home life, Carin had not yet explored how extramarital relations could meet her needs. Most of the women who visit me have already walked down that path in one way or another.
I get straight to the point. “Actually, Carin, I don’t want you to turn off your mind—your ability to think is a great asset to wonderfully satisfying sex.”
“I just don’t see how that is possible,” Carin doubts aloud.
I ask Carin if there was a time when she enjoyed making love with Dean. “Oh, sure, especially when we first got together. It just seems impossible now to keep my mind from ticking and so I can’t get into it like he does,” she confides. “I can’t remember when I had an orgasm and I used to have those so easily.”
I point out, “Well, it seems that your sexual intimacy has turned into work, is that right?” Carin nods.
I explain that is very common today. For any of us at any given time, the busyness of life can start a pattern of jumping from one task to the next. It is only human to want to put forth the effort to make certain one does one’s best. When we get into a habit of focusing on what we need to do all day long every day, then “doing” becomes our default mode of mental focus. Like the rest of us, Carin was meant to be a human being not a human doing. The effective “doing” of her daytime was now interfering with the intimate closeness at times with her husband.
For others, a somewhat different pattern can impede optimal intimate pleasure. Some couples simply start out “performing” in their sexual relations with one another. Like trying to impress one another with their “techniques.” With all the magazines boasting articles like Six Things to Really Turn Your Lover On and Fourteen Steps to Dazzling Sex, well, it’s no wonder sex can become operational. That appears to happen more with couples who have spent substantial time in the dating world having had sexual relations with many different lovers. In that scenario, sex can easily become something to perform. Though this particular culprit did not seem to apply to Carin and Dean, the solution is still the same.
For women especially, keeping a singular thought focus can be particularly challenging since women are known to use both sides of their brain simultaneously. Most studies have shown that men use one side of their brains at a time. With this in mind, I suggest to Carin a new way of thinking as she moves forward. “When a time comes when you truly want to have sexual intercourse with Dean, I want you to think on this thought only: to ENJOY HOW MY LOVER ENJOYS MY BODY right now. Nothing else—that is it. Does this make sense?”
Carin speaks slowly, “Enjoy how Dean enjoys my body right now. Hmmm. That is a different thought. But what if other thoughts keep creeping in?”
“That would be normal—change will take some time so be gentle with yourself. This way of thinking to enjoy how my lover enjoys my body right now will move you from doing to being. To help stop any creeping busy thoughts, tune into your senses each and every time you get tempted while in those sweet loving moments with Dean. As you explore one another’s bodies, let enjoyment guide your senses. Smells, sounds, sight, touch, and taste. Focus on those.”
Carin was able to begin enjoying sex with Dean again and as she said “at a deeper level of pleasure.” She used the strength of her mind and turned her focus to enjoy how my lover enjoys my body right now. This mental focus effectively moved her from the rut of what she needed to be doing to a mindset of being in the moment of love-making.
What do you think?