My search had been high and low and I felt grateful to have found the book. To get some understanding of the emotions needed for sex to take place on any given day—to widen the entire field of opportunity. Of course, you may be thinking, hey, all one needs is to be horny for sex to happen. And I am in complete agreement. The only difficulty with that mindset is that for couples who are married or unmarried wishing to remain monogamous, at some point horny may take a back seat—especially with regards to female orgasm. This is particularly true for relationships that last a lifetime and for the couples coming to me for some answers, well, I was looking for answers myself.
I liked the title of the book, How to Make Love to the Same Person for the Rest of Your Life and Still… Love It. Inside I found the product of lots of creative thinking. The author proposed to readers the idea to decide to make love in the middle of an array of emotions—in the heat of an argument, when overwhelmed with blue feelings, even in the midst of mundane moments of boredom. Though Dagmar O’Connor’s quest for “outside the box” made the ocean look like a puddle, the approach felt more like a Nike ad—Just Do It—within a Cosmopolitan article of Sixteen Steps to the Best Sex Ever. No doubt many would find this information helpful. However, in my work, lots of exercises and techniques usually have been tried unsuccessfully before someone comes to me. I am a clinician and what I offer to couples must be simplistic and profoundly transferrable. Feeling I had hit a bit of a dead-end, I headed out the back door of the rental house to take a walk. Fortunately for me, the back door opened to one of the most beautiful beaches—Surfside Beach in South Carolina.It was near the end of the high season so the beach was sparsely covered with people. I contemplated the dilemma facing many of my current couples. How to plug into the emotional circuit loaded with sexual desire on almost any given day. Was that even possible? Was it just to be accepted that the busyness of life inevitably robs us of not only the focus of our minds (lack of mindfulness) but also any sexual interest? Was it truly necessary that all the ingredients—time, shapely bodies, good self image—had to be present before any spark could ignite? What about older couples? The thought struck me as I came upon a couple on the sand locked together in a tight embrace oblivious to the surf which kept creeping closer to them. From a distance, they could have been mid-forties or so. When sixty or so feet separated us, I heard a sudden shriek followed by gleeful intermittent chuckles as the pair attempted to roll away from the waves entwined as one body.
“Oh, I’m all wet,” the woman voiced but it did not sound like a complaint. Now both were slowly rising while giving aid to one another in getting a sure footing to stand up. “I love you like that—you know you are so sexy you just drive me crazy,” the man confessed as his arm pulled her close for another kiss. Now I could see—they were not in their forties but were more likely in their seventies or maybe even their eighties. The years of gravity upon the flesh on their strong yet worn legs could not be mistaken.
As my walk took me further away from them, their voices now fainter but still playful, I considered their words. He had called her “sexy,” no rather “so sexy.” Can an older person still be sexy? To what age? Was sexy limited to physical appearance? Of course, each person has his or her own idea of what is sex appealing, yet…..could there be universal limits?
How about paraplegics? Or those whose face or other body parts have been left distorted by severe burns? Or those missing a limb or two or perhaps simply part of a hand or foot—could any of these be sexy? What about the woman left with only one breast after cancer treatment? Could she still be sexy? What about the woman whose breasts never outgrow a training bra size? Could she be sexy? And what about fat people? Could any one of them be sexy? What about those who have acne that not only covers their faces but is seen all over their trunks and arms? Could any of them be sexy?
Who determines “sexy” any way? It seems one’s lover would be of greatest importance.
The walk had provided some answers. Was “sexy” the simple emotion I was trying to extract from the big picture? Could “sexy” be accessed on any given day by anyone around the world? Quite possibly. What is sexy? Well, that would be the energy set within each of us which radiates sexuality—knowing that we have an ability to arouse sexual interest in another. Does the “other” need to be more than one person? In fact, could the “other” be the same person year after year after year?
Most certainly yes.
What do you think?